"Lives in Transit" #1-An Interview with Davis Nicholas; Formerly of Two Stars Burning Sun and Brothers, Currently of her Bad-Ass Self

I met Davis probably like 15 years ago now (damn we are old, haha) when I was living in Grand Rapids and she was playing in an amazing screamo/metal/whatever hybrid called Two Stars Burning Sun. Two Stars used to play out a ton so I must have seen them a dozen or more times over a three or four year period. What most impressed me was first of all, just how doggone nice they all were, and secondly, the honesty of their music and performance.

Since those early years, I haven’t seen Davis much since I moved back over to the east side of the state, but I saw her a couple times when she was drumming for Brothers, and we’ve kept up a bit over social media since then.

Anyway, about a year or so ago, she began to publicly identify as a trans female. I teach high school Sociology and while we very briefly mention transgender people in our discussion of sexual orientation/presentation, Davis is the first person I’ve known who has gone through that transition. I’ve been rather curious to hear more about her experiences, and this little series “Lives in Transit” seemed like a good opportunity to do so. I reached out, and she was more than willing to share.

This is no doubt one of the most personal interviews I’ve ever done, so it goes without saying that props go to Davis for her willingness to divulge a lot of intense and intimate details from her life.  

I'm always curious to hear about people's background, family, adolescence, etc. How would you describe your formative years, especially as it pertains to music, art, expression, etc.? Did your folks encourage that stuff, were music and art fixture in your household?

I grew up in Birch Run, Michigan, which at the time was a pretty rural area.  Lots of hunting, camo hats, trucks, good ol' boy type stuff.  I knew at a young age that I really liked music a lot, and I had a brother who was 7 years older than me who was into some pretty cool music at the time.  I mean, I'm dating myself here, but I remember listening un-ironically to things like Loverboy, Devo, Michael Jackson, Madonna, Prince, Styx, and in my mom's car I was forever listening to Roberta Flack's greatest hits album.  “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” is still one of my all-time favorite songs.  But yeah, at a young age I knew that there was something really moving about music for me.  And as I got older and reached high school, that's what the whole grunge "revolution" was starting to happen.  I was hanging with an artsy/druggy crowd of kids, so we were into skate boarding and finding new music.  So stuff like Nine Inch Nails and Mr. Bungle, Infectious Grooves, Jane’s Addiction, Faith No More were very cool for me because I think I was starting to develop a bit of an anti-mainstream mentality already.  That may sound weird because those are all mainstream bands now, but at the time where I was living they seemed/felt revolutionary.  Then Nirvana dropped, and Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Temple of the Dog... I was in love.  THEN I began discovering things like Rollins Band, Helmet, Pantera, heavier music that was stemming off from some of the classic metal we'd already been listening to (I was a huge Anthrax fan, all my friends were into Metallica and Megadeth but I was into Anthrax for some reason lol).  Then Korn and The Deftones started getting known, and I was being pulled towards heavy music. 

I moved to Kalamazoo in 1997 for college and discovered what I will forever consider "real music", which is pretentious as hell but it's how I felt.  I began getting into hardcore and never looked back.  At that time the early emo stuff was happening, so locals like Constantine Sinkhati were big, Bev Clone was from my home town area, emo/grind stuff like Reversal of Man was happening, and of course in Michigan at that time there were these awesome national-level fests being put on in Detroit. 

My earliest Michigan Fest memories feature greats like Hot Water Music, Isis, Thoughts of Ionesco, Coalesce, Cave In, Grade, and when some Michigan bands started getting big (Small Brown Bike, Ionesco, Lovesick, etc.) it was so exciting.  But for me personally, I always wanted to be involved in music from an early age, but I didn't have an outlet, no role models in my family or proximity, so it felt like one of those things that was never going to happen.  Eventually a friend bought a guitar, we sucked but always tried to figure that thing out, and eventually began meeting other people who knew how to play instruments so we fell into a local hall show scene in Saginaw and Flint.  Groups of 100-300 kids would fill up these sweaty little town hall buildings, Eagle's Lodges, Masonic Temples, you name it, and someone would scrounge up the money for a PA rental and bam, you've got yourself a show. 

I began playing in a band at 17, Socket!  I played bass and sang, and I use both those terms very loosely.  I then moved onto a semi-established band called Otis Blindfold with some friends, did that for a few years and actually began driving to other cities for shows which felt so fucking rad at 18-19 years old.  Big time, you know!?  I actually put down music for a number of years when I moved away from Saginaw and landed in Kalamazoo, but then I met some lifelong friends Tim and Neill who were in a band called Porphyria at the time.  They asked me to try out for bass a few months after meeting them, we immediately fired the singer (sorry Chris!) and became a 3-piece that became known as Two Stars Burning Sun.  We played for about 3-4 years, did quite a bit of touring, and became regionally known in some small way.  It was one of the greatest periods of my life. 

Not being seen as a crucial band dude, but being known and appreciated for creating something that spoke to others.  Being able to share this level of creativity and passion with others, that is something I will never forget and will never get tired of doing.  In my early bands I began to realize how much of a release it could be to pour my emotions into the songs, into the lyrical content, and singing those songs felt so cathartic because it wasn't just posing - it was like splaying myself open and putting it all out there for public consumption.  That's why it was so gratifying being accepted and appreciated for it - it wasn't just music, it was me. 

And so to this day I can't just write a catchy little ditty, I have to write something deep and dirty and meaningful to me.  It feels like a waste of everybody's time any other way.  And all of this was happening when I was only MARGINALLY aware of my transgender status.  I knew I was different, felt very different and alone and misunderstood 90% of the time, and some of that bled through into lyrics and music, but I mainly ascribed those feelings to coming from a really, really unhealthy childhood home environment.  Alcoholism and severe emotional abuse were pretty common, so I was very mixed up for a very long time.  Still am.

I’ve always been curious about the end of Two Stars. Like you said, you had a great run and I was very lucky to be there for a lot of it, but in 02’ moved back to Detroit. How much of your final release "The Depression Diet" dealt with the abuse you alluded to, and how did everything unravel at the end of the band?

Well, the first thing you need to understand is that Two Stars didn't just slowly dissolve due to a final record or anything trivial like that.  We were very much a product of the time, which was that great golden window of late 90's/early 2000's screamo/metal/hardcore hybrid music being born.  There wasn't much of a blueprint at the time, so we were literally just making it up as we went along.  The three of us, myself, Tim Gormley, and Neill Malmgren, all shared an interest in diverse heavy music, a deep interest in literature and poetry, art (visual and performance), and we ALL had our ghosts. 

That was sort of our bond - we'd all been through a lot of dysfunction in our private lives with family, relationships, etc. and so we were sort of fertile soil for that kind of music, those lyrics, that intensity, etc.  It wasn't produced for the stage, I can assure you.  We were inches away from true insanity at any given moment, and we used the band and the performances to sort of channel all that negative energy, that rage, that feeling of being misunderstood, unwanted, dissatisfied with what the world was giving us... and when you factor in the idea that I was simultaneously in my early-mid twenties and starting to take a real look at my gender dysphoria and presentation for the first time ever, it was a lot to contend with emotionally. 

A lot of people don't realize just how much exploration went into the songs and the band itself.  I mean, there is a song on our 3-way Friction Records split with Today I Wait and the Nain Rouge called "Falls City", and it was written directly about being transgender and the movie "Boys Don't Cry". Directly.  Some of the lyrics were thinly coded, but it was all right there if you know the inner workings of where we/I was at the time.  I say I, because I wrote about 80% of the lyrics while we collaborated pretty evenly on the music.  But one of our bigger songs, “Monument to Wonderboy” (on our release “Learning to Sleep Past the Cloud Covered Days”), was written all about my pursuit of spiritual/physical transcendence, absolutely.  "Learn to accept all of my responsibility, to swallow this blame I'll have to close my eyes and go to a place where I only love my dreams..."

I blamed myself for my anger, my unhappiness, my failed relationships with women, for hurting others in my pursuit of my truth, and I did a lot of thinking and hoping for some version of the type of transcendence that I was forever reading about in all of Hermann Hesse's books at the time.  We poured over Siddhartha, Demian, Gertrude, always trying to fill our brains with that magical thinking that seemed to come from somewhere in the East, somewhere between Buddhism and Hinduism and meditating in the middle of a desert on a rock somewhere lol...

Tim and Neill knew that I was working through a lot of personal issues that whole time, we were very open with one another.  Tim had his issues with his family and his girlfriend at the time, same for Neill.  We had different specifics but the same universal struggles, and I tried to keep them up to date on where I was and where I was heading with my decisions regarding my presentation and how I was going to ultimately end up living my life.  But I was in such a deep rut of denial at the same time.  Very, very confusing.  Like, I was open to them and a lot of friends about my heavy cross-dressing and role reversal in my sexual life (TMI alert)... but I wasn't allowing myself to put the pieces together that would ultimately lead to my fairly recent decision to fully transition into female life 100%. 

By the time we got together to write the tunes for “The Depression Diet” things just didn't feel quite the same as it had been for the last few years.  I'd become seriously involved with who would become my first wife, and I sort of lost that focus and strive to work on myself since I was feeling codependent and reliant on her.  Neill had sort of entered a fairly dark period where he was having a lot of problems with the mother of his young daughter and you could tell it was taking a toll on him emotionally.  We just weren't nearly as invested as we'd been, and we held our music to a high standard and took that very seriously so we really needed to be ON for us to be satisfied with our production.  We pieced that record together, and we all agree that it shows.  I ended up writing a ton of music on that album, something that Tim wasn't crazy about at the time because it did pull us in a different, more "poppy" direction if that term applies to our music lol... I was very happy with some of the lyrical content, specifically the stuff in "Connection/Separation" and the opening bits to "Waternoose"... similar to old Two Stars' introspective material but more concise, less metaphorical and more specific to real elements of my life and past. 

Those guys were tremendously supportive and were always willing to let me lead with the lyrical content, and this time was just different for us.  Looking back, what it felt like was actually some form of closure, like a level of understanding or comfort had been reached (per my relationship status, I think now) and the lyrics didn't have the same intensity or drive.  More like the processing of having worked through things and then reporting on the process, if that makes any sense.  And when I realized that the feeling wasn't there, that the thing we'd always tried to accomplish with the band with that cathartic, blistering raw emotion just wasn't going to happen, it made me take a step back and take a real look at the band.  Specifically, my purpose for continuing in the band. 

I remember meeting with them at dinner at some Chinese restaurant in Kalamazoo and letting them know that I thought my feelings had been worked through, that I wasn't feeling the need to continue with the band, and that it felt like an actual disservice to them, to the band, to our listeners to come at it with anything less than 100% investment, so I quit.  Tim took it ok, Neill was pretty unhappy, and actually Neill and I didn’t speak much for many, many years after the fact.  Tim and I began playing in Lorelai and then Brothers within a few years, which was another whole trip that I don't want to get into right now, but Neill and I finally got back in touch a few years ago now and have been very friendly ever since. 

Ultimately I think the band was a "time and place" experience that maybe wasn't meant to exist forever because of its intense and volatile nature.

But I mean, come on Scobie!  You were at the very first Halloween party that became a staple for many years after.  It was Two Stars, Today I Wait, Gavin Black, Nain Rouge, my friends' band from Saginaw whose name is escaping me (remember the naked singer?)... and remember my costume?  I was in a skin tight black mini-dress with high heels, full makeup, looking as legit as I could possibly pull off at the time, and I TRULY believed that I was convincing others that it was just a Halloween costume.  Come on!  But it was rad because people loved it, we were all a tight crew of friends just loving the experience and the music, and I remember you and Aaron Whitfield showing up and me worrying that maybe our oddball party was going to be too much for you churchy kids!  LOL!

Oh shit, now that you mention that I vaaaaaaaaaguely remember it, but at that time I was going to shows with every spare moment I had, so a lot of that stuff runs together in my mind these days, haha.

Speaking of Brothers, after last seeing you in probably 2002-2003, the next time I think I saw you was like 2009-2010 at Static Age after you had started playing drums for them. I remember being completely flabbergasted at the sight of you; the Davis I had always known was tall, skinny, with long scraggly hair. Now you were bald-headed, completely tatted, and looked like you had been in the gym every waking moment from the last time I saw you, haha. How did you get into tattoos, lifting, and how did that stuff relate to your ongoing journey to (re) define yourself in terms of gender identity?

Everything you saw in 2010 was a complete reflection of what I was going through in terms of my gender.  I actually reached a point just after Two Stars where I literally had a heart-to-heart with myself and said that it was time to commit to something.  I had spent all these years sort of dabbling in gender nonconformity and as a result (I thought) my romantic life had been a disaster and I was totally uneasy in public. 

Yes, you are right - I was tall, skinny, scraggly, bad hair, etc. lol... I was also secretly shaving my arms and legs on the regular, walked around with various versions of half-gone eyebrows from tweezing... I was trying so hard to find a level of appearance and behavior and presentation that would bring me some feeling of peace, and it always seemed that the further I pushed it the more I wanted.  It was wreaking havoc on other parts of my life, so I decided that it was time to commit to being a man.  No joke. 

I decided to get more and more tattoos, and I do remember specifically thinking that if I were completely covered in tats that I wouldn't be capable of putting together a feminine presentation.  Seriously.  I was trying to sabotage my own efforts, like if the feelings wouldn't go away at least I could ruin the canvas.  I also shaved my head, hit the gym hard for a long time and got all beefy.  I went from maybe 170lbs in Two Stars to a max of about 240lbs by 2013-2014.  I used steroids.  I ate tons of protein, 6-8 meals a day, hung out with body builders at the gym, tried so hard to put together this perfect male presentation that would maybe fool someone else, maybe even fool me? 

It didn't.  It sucked.  I hated it.  So all those jokes you hear about people overcompensating for their insecurities with big trucks, guns, hot young girlfriends, etc.?  I did that with my body and with my second marriage to a 22-year-old college girl who is a great person that never deserved the level of psychosis I exposed her to through my journey and struggle. 

When I finally decided to give up that whole struggle and move towards the "new" me it was absolutely the most relieving feeling of my entire life.  It continues to be.  Every day is a breath of fresh air. 

Even playing in Brothers, I mean that was some macho music!  I was always fighting with those guys who had been friends of mine forever but we were not and are not cut from the same cloth.  I wanted to add some art, probably some femininity into the music, and Brothers was about rocking.  Period.  It became more and more macho in my opinion, moving into more of a moshy direction, and I was never about doing music for that reason so I was incredibly dissatisfied.  Good band, good music, but I should have never been involved.  Not fair to me, not fair to them.

Also at that time I remember you told me that you were working with individuals with autism. At that time my wife and I had very recently come to grips with the fact that our oldest is autistic, I had almost zero knowledge of the disorder and knew very few people who were knowledgeable about it. Talk a little bit about how you fell in (and out) of that line of work.

Oh yeah, I just accidentally fell into working with the ASD population in a special ed setting.  I had my behavioral psychology degree from Western Michigan University, and through that process I’d been placed in a local school that just happened to be pretty cutting-edge in terms of using applied behaviorism and using the training student body as behavior-bots in the classrooms lol... I was very good at that, had the right disposition and was very good with behavioral psych, so when I graduated from college I just continued moving up through that system.  I eventually became the behavioral specialist in the building for many years.  In Michigan a center-based school can house students of ages between 3-26, and center-based means they are not functioning at a cognitive level that allows for mainstream educational placement in a local school.  I was almost solely responsible for the behavior problems of a student body consisting of over 150 kids between 3-26, ranging from low functioning autism to bipolar severely cognitively impaired 25-year-old kids at 300 pounds.  It's a good thing I got into the weights for a while there, because I needed to be a human shield.  I had amazing experiences, life changing experiences, met amazing kids and staff and lifelong friends working there, but ultimately it was not what I was cut out for. 

It was too much.  The physicality brought back too much negativity from my childhood, and it was honestly an affront to my more soft, feminine side that I truly wanted to be presenting.  Don't read that as "women are softer than men" - please read that as "I was sick of having to pretend to be this hard-as-nails tough guy and I wanted to just soften up and do something truer to my nature".  So I did.  I got my master's degree from WMU in counseling and I've been working in mental health as a therapist for the past 5 years now.

So in terms of your ex-wife, is there still any semblance of a relationship there in terms of at least being on speaking terms or was the whole thing just too much?

Ironically, the better relationship has turned out to be the worst break up. My first wife and I were together for 8 years, married for 5, and she knew a lot about my gender situation before we even began dating.  I was fairly open at that time; this would have been in the 1999 range.  I met her through Two Stars connections, actually, and we wound up sharing many friends.  So we began dating and she found it cute or interesting or something that I liked to dress in women's clothing, we incorporated that heavily into our sex life (I needed to), and the further we went into the relationship the more she began to rebel against it. 

I don't blame her necessarily, it didn't seem to be her particular flavor, but we ended up in this never ending tug of war between her wanting to return to some level of hetero-normativity and me not being interested or even capable.  It fizzled out eventually, but not before we'd both said and done a lot of not so nice things to one another through the process.  She had a very, very hard time trying to make sense of things with me. 

I have no idea what she told her family after the fact, but I can only assume the worst and I assume that they probably responded poorly to the news.  I think there is this big looming cloud of disapproval that needs a name, and since nobody is comfortable calling themselves transphobic or homophobic (though that doesn't apply), it's likely easier to just call me a liar and dishonest for being secretive about my situation.  But um, hello?  People are not, by and large, capable of handling this issue with much in the way of grace or respect. 

I have people who I used to consider friends, co-workers in the psychiatric and psychological fields, who literally can't even bring themselves to LOOK at me.  To look me in the eye, to just have a normal human interaction.  Why is that?  What is so incredibly odd about my situation that evokes such discomfort?  It really seems to pluck at the central theme of peoples' insecurities, possibly about themselves?  I really don't know. 

My second wife was very disapproving of any level of my nonconformity, made that known. I went underground and tried to hide things but it was impossible, and we broke up very quickly.  In a short amount of time we were able to speak, I told her my truth and she seemed/seems very happy for me and we are trying to navigate some sort of friendship.  I think highly of her.

So obviously you've been grappling with your identity pretty much your whole life....at what point did you know it was time to publicly come out as trans? We're there people you consulted, others who had gone through the experience or were you basically winging it?

I finally found the gumption to live on my own, no relationships, no more life distractions.  I had this absolutely amazing learning experience with someone I had been dating who suddenly left me without warning.  It was like my worst nightmare, it was the culmination of all my failed relationships all wrapped into one because we were so close and so compatible, so in love.  She didn't speak to me for over a year, like 15 months. 

When she did she immediately apologized, told me that she left because she realized she was a lesbian, and assured me that I'd done nothing wrong.  Nothing.  She said she loved me more than she'd ever loved someone, but she began to realize that something was missing that would never be present for her in this relationship.  She credited me with opening her eyes to her truth, and thanked me for teaching her how to love. 

That just absolutely blew me away.  It was the first time in my life that I felt I’d done it right with love.  I wasn't wrong.  I wasn't a fuck up. And my mind just sort of went BOOM - you are not wrong.  You are right.  Being you is right, it's the right thing.  And so I allowed myself to finally begin looking at the elements of my life that were right at the surface this whole time and it just made so much sense too quickly. 

I was wasting my life.  I was miserable.  I was doing what I was doing to satisfy others, to avoid their disappointment, but why was I valuing their happiness over my own?  My life was half over at 38 years old, and I decided that it was time to live for me.  I very quickly began the process, and it came easily and with much support from those in my life.  Within just a few months I was living socially 100% female, slowly replaced my entire wardrobe, got my new job as Davis... and life began.  Boom, just like that.

In terms of changing your appearance, like you mentioned earlier you had put on quite a bit of body mass, what does reversing that process look like, or "de-bulking" if that’s what you might call it?

De-bulking is almost more frustrating than the process of lifting weights and eating and putting all that muscle on.  It is passive, it is restrictive.  I eat less than I want, I don't eat all that I'd like to, and I avoid strenuous exercise.  That's pretty much it.  In about 16-17 months I've lost around 60 pounds or so, I've definitely shrunk a ton, but I still see my big arms, I still see my wide shoulders, and people tell me that they no longer look masculine but my mind is twisted up.  I might see those shadows forever, you know? 

It feels like a version of body dysmorphia - not anorexia, not bulimia, but certainly a persistent dissatisfaction with my body and appearance.  I reckon that is why so many trans* people pursue surgery.  I started out by saying that I didn't need to do that, that I wasn't going to pay a bunch of money to validate myself.  But it's been a year and now I understand. 

I still see "him" in the mirror in the morning.  I still have to see "him" when I'm naked and taking a shower.  My body is a constant reminder of the hardest struggle of my life, like being roommates with your attacker.  I can't get away.  So I do what I can to make changes, and I plan for the future where I find a surgeon to make some drastic changes that will set me free from at least having to see "him" every time I see a reflection.

This is a massive topic with many levels to consider, and I'm sort of skimming the surface with a lot of this.  Please understand that physical presentation has VERY LITTLE if anything to do with gender.  What I haven't said is that I cry when I think about never having a baby, not having a body that allows for full experience of my INTERNAL experience, my mental and emotional relation to a much broader CIS female demographic than male... What you noticed about me is the exterior, which makes sense.  But for me personally, that is merely the visual I want to present and for people to have in mind when they think of me.  Me though, Davison, is much more complex and complicated as a woman than is translated by my wardrobe choices.  Though they are pretty great lol...

In the last year or so you've been quite vocal both about the changes you have undertaken and the larger issues facing the LGBT community and quite frankly our broader society as people come to terms with these issues. Your personal experiences seem to run the gamut from people being hostile to bewildered to really embracing you. What have been both the hardest and most rewarding things you've experienced since openly identifying as trans for the last year?

Yes, I've actually been surprised by how emotionally invested I’ve become, and how involved I've become in advocating for much needed social change.  It's been weird for me because prior to transitioning I never paid any mind to what was happening politically with the trans population. 

So not only have I had to figure out how to make my life work in terms of family, friends, work, but it's also been a real crash course in politics and policy.  For example, you may not know it but as of right now (and for the foreseeable future) there is nothing in written, legal language in Michigan that protects the civil rights of trans people for specific issues related to gender expression.  What that means is if a private business owner wants to fire a trans individual because they might feel uncomfortable with their wardrobe or their religion is somehow "threatened" by their trans status, there is nothing legal preventing the business owner from firing them.  Not for job performance, not for insubordination, but because of personal discomfort. 

That cuts right to the core of discrimination.  There was a fairly well-known piece of legislation that was a hot topic in the fall of 2014 called the Elliott Larson Civil Rights Act, and it was being pushed to include trans-protective language so people like myself cannot be legally discriminated against in regards to housing, financial opportunities, public resources, and accommodations.  A small percentage of politicians have attempted to include trans protections in this legislation for DECADES Eric, and politicians simply will not accept it.  It's died many, many times now. 

And why?  You've no doubt read some of these ridiculous, insulting articles from the far right condemning trans people's right to use the bathroom that matches their gender, their true gender, based on the "threat" of perversion, peeping, rape, child molestation, etc.  These articles are based on fear and prejudice, period.  There are absolutely zero social statistics indicating that these "threats" actually exist or have existed at anywhere near the rates of the hetero mainstream population. 

Much like this anti-gay adoption bullshit.  People want to naturally assume that children raised by a gay or lesbian couple are just fertile ground for abuse, and obviously of a sexual nature.  But look at the statistics for foster care agencies and individual placements over the past few decades.  I work in mental health and social services, I know what a fucking nightmare it can be for kids in the foster care system, and those placements are 99% supervised and run by mainstream hetero-normative couples or individuals. 

So what are these stereotypes based on?  Childish fear and misunderstanding, and on my worst days I'll use coarser language and say something more like hate, bigotry, stupidity, and fucking evil.  Eric, I've spent a combined 9 years in college for both an undergrad degree in behavioral psychology and a master's degree in community counseling and substance abuse counseling.  I worked in schools for 10 years, I've worked in a counseling capacity for over 5 years across settings including juvenile homes, jails, inpatient and outpatient substance abuse programs, and now home-based therapy with young juvenile offenders for charges ranging from drugs to sexual offense.  I am trusted by multiple accrediting bodies to responsibly handle the emotional well-being and lives of these clients, and yet I'm still enmeshed in an ongoing argument to get a staff bathroom key at one of my offices. 

I was told that the decision makers had concerns that some of the other employees might be uncomfortable with me using the ladies room with them.  So what, now we're making legal decisions based on the discomfort of the prejudicial and bigoted among us?  The people in question don't even seem to see this as discriminatory.  I mean, why weren't black kids allowed to use the drinking fountain with the white kids in the 50's?  Was there science or a set of statistics informing those decisions?  No, it was based on widespread ignorance and too many people choosing to further bullshit social policy rather than exercising a bit of empathy and realizing how barbaric they were behaving and believing. 

Any time I travel for my job and I use a ladies bathroom at an airport, I am technically committing what could be considered as one of any number of crimes (indecent exposure, impersonation, sexual assault depending on who says what, etc.)... I could be arrested, strip searched for suspicion of terrorism, detained for god knows how long.  It happens. 

And if detained, then what?  I'm quite certain I'm not going to jail with other women, so now I get to worry about being raped and assaulted and possibly murdered by male inmates because someone somewhere decided that I don't constitute treatment as a female because of my biology that is not representative of my mind, heart, life, or internal experience. 

So yes, this crash course in learning how the world at large TRULY feels about trans people has been eye opening and beyond frustrating on many fronts.  So I use the tools I've been blessed with to try and make a positive change.  I have worked fairly extensively with the Kalamazoo Gay and Lesbian Resource Center, with the Battle Creek PRIDE committee; I have helped organize two separate Transgender Day of Remembrance events, performed at numerous LGBTQIA events to raise awareness. I recently performed in a 3-night production of The Vagina Monologues in a trans-specific piece.  I began working at a small private practice in Kalamazoo called Moore Counseling Center, which focuses almost exclusively on LGBTQIA clientele and trans support and advocacy.  Last winter I began a group called UNIFIED, which is focused on presenting performance opportunities for spoken word, poetry, music, dance, and other performance artists from within the LGBTQIA community.  We held a show at the Kalamazoo Valley Community College museum last January that actually sold out their auditorium.  There were people sitting in the aisles and standing behind the last row of seats!  We featured two trans singer/songwriters, a folk group called The Accidentals from Traverse City, and five spoken word artists from various backgrounds, races, sexualities, gender status. 

You could see people writhing in their seats out of discomfort during some of the performances, as UNIFIED is really dedicated to bringing the raw truth of our experiences to the stage in an attempt to educate those with open minds and curiosity but whose lives have been very, very different from ours.  Nobody left, which I considered a success! 

We are in the process of completing planning for our second UNIFIED show on April 25th in Grand Rapids, featuring a few of the Kalamazoo artists but bringing a number of GR performers into the fold to keep things locally representative and supported.  I'm currently active with two separate trans-specific support groups through both the KGLRC and the Battle Creek PRIDE group. 

There is so much to be done, and sadly there just aren't enough people with the background, ability, and confidence to speak out and be effective in trying to change the minds of an often uncaring populace, so those of us who are willing and able find ourselves very, very busy.  And I love it.  I love finally being in a stage of my life where I care enough about myself to care deeply about something larger than myself. 

My old complacency is nowhere to be found.  It is dead.  I was never truly complacent, I see that now - I had just developed such an impenetrable wall of defense and emotional shut-down that it prevented me from caring for anyone or anything else, either.  This intense desire, this need to be active in bringing about some change, is a new and integral part of my new life and I'm excited to see where it continues to lead me. 

And not to be corny, but I really do believe that my years and years of organizing and pushing within the DIY Michigan music scene has been a chief component of my pro-social approach to things now.  I'm accustomed to feeling misunderstood by the mainstream, yet knowing inherently that I/we KNOW BETTER than the average person at the super market.  Like I said before, I never got involved in music to be cool or to be fucking crucial or to mosh... I got involved for community, stayed involved for community, took a lot of pride in being a positive representative for the punk and hardcore communities.  I remember delivering speeches at shows that ran very, very contrary to the average nihilistic punk rock rhetoric of yesteryear.  I would challenge punks to do BETTER than the mainstream, to work themselves into positions of influence so that we could change the system from the inside out.  I implored people to use their feelings of being misunderstood and underestimated as fuel for their desire to succeed.  I do the same now. 

Can you imagine the bravery and toughness it takes in this society and social climate for someone to radically alter their appearance, wardrobe, risk losing all family support, possible financial support, ability to secure housing or employment, face possible physical and/or sexual violence... Trans women of color continue to be the number one target of violence and murder statistically in this country, hands down and by miles.  This shit needs to stop.  Trans kids have been committing suicide in epidemic proportions since the turn of the year.  Our psychological health is under constant attack by bullying, being disowned by family, emotional abandonment, systemic ignoring and often worse persecution... if you are willing to identify as a trans person today, you are a fucking revolutionary and I truly believe that there is NOTHING you can't accomplish.  You are the strongest and brightest among us for following your truth.  I just hope that more people begin to recognize that fact and that support continues to mount for those in need. 

If you are reading this and you have a desire to help in some capacity, just get online and find out which resource centers serving the LGBTQIA community are in your areas, give them a call and get involved.  We need all the help we can get.

Davis on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCI9FaCMc8HkALUyboP67mXQ
Kalamazoo Gay & Lesbian Resource Center: www.kglrc.org
Battle Creek LGBTQ Organization: battlecreekpride.org
Unified Grand Rapids: https://www.facebook.com/events/539068786233024/?
__mref=message
Affirmations Resource Center in Ferndale: www.goaffirmations.org

Checking Back in with Charles Chaussinand of Spirits (ex-Test of Time)

Those who follow this blog may remember that last year I did a pretty in-depth interview with Charles Chaussinand, then guitarist of Test of Time, a band who released a couple of rad 7 inches and an LP on B9. Well, shortly after the LP was released and they toured Europe, the band broke up/re-constituted itself as Spirits.

Not wasting a moment, the new project has already released a split 7” with Get a Grip on the UK’s Speedowax, their own 7” EP on upstart label Cointoss Records and are about to release their debut LP “Discontent” on Long Island mainstay State of Mind Recordings.

I figured now would be a good time to check back in with Charles and get the skinny on all these new jams. Read on.

So hey Charles, last time we talked Test of Time was gearing up to release your debut LP and then tour Europe. Here were are not even a year later and Spirits is about to do the same, haha. How did everything unravel for T.O.T. and reconfigure itself in Spirits?

Test of Time just had a member that was on a different page from the rest of us. We came back from tour and started Spirits. Mike had joined Test of Time on guitar just before the European tour and when we got back, he just moved over to vocals and we kept going. In the shuffle, Jeff Novak, the drummer of Test of Time, left to work on some other stuff. 

Spirits is a driven group of guys and we wanted to keep on a schedule that we had laid out for Test of Time, so we got to work and got to writing. We started in October and have a split 7", an EP, the LP and a few other songs recorded. We are heading to Europe for about a month starting at the end of April. We're really excited and looking forward to the future of the band.

So I know you said the Test material (the LP and both 7 inches) was all pretty much written over the same time period and then you decided after the fact which songs would go on which release. Has that been the same process for Spirits or have you been taking it more one at a time?

The only things with Spirits that we have recorded at the same time were the LP and the additional few songs that we want to do a split with later in the year. We didn't do a marathon 32 song recording session again.

Upon my first brief listen it seems like Spirits has a little bit more early 00's flavor whereas Test was more youth crew inspired plus a little bit of 90's crunch sprinkled in here and there. Given that the nucleus of the band is pretty much the same, are you guys consciously trying to add certain elements or have you just been rolling with whatever comes out?

We aren't actively trying to write stuff that sounds different. Maybe we are just being influenced by what we are all listening to right now. I am not sure what would really make it sound different. The majority of the Test of Time stuff was also written and recorded almost a year before Bridge 9 put the LP out. I guess it is just a natural evolution? 

We are just writing songs we like. There were occasions while working on this LP that we would be writing and one of us would say "A song that sounds like this would be cool" and we would play something and then all be inspired to steer what we were working on in that direction. The LP was really written with a "feel" to it. We worked on music and then felt like something was maybe missing, so we would think of what songs gave us that feeling and bring that to the table.

Any firm ideas yet for who you might be splitting with for those few other new songs?

We aren't sure yet who we will be doing the split with. We are thinking about trying to do a split with a band from South Africa since we are heading there in the fall.

As mentioned before, you guys will be doing Europe again this summer. Is that Europe is just that good, the States is just that bad, or a little bit of both, haha.

It isn't that Europe is better than the US, but we all just have pretty demanding jobs at this point and for us to take the time off, we want to maximize our trips. Europe is not only a good place to tour, but it is a lot of fun for us to visit. All of us have seen the US a lot. We have been in a bunch of touring bands and this is just a way for us to see something different. We have done a few northeast weekends and will be working on a few more things like that when we are back from Europe.

What bands and places are you most looking forward to seeing again?

We became friends with a band called Gone To Waste, so it will be good to see those guys again. The people at the Flix Agency, our European booking group, are friends of ours, so it will be great to see and hang out with them. I think we just all love the chance to explore places we don't know very well. We like to go back to new places when we travel. Most of us hadn't been to Poland before, and we got three shows there this time, so we are really looking forward to that.

Lyrically the Spirits LP seems a lot angrier, and more overtly political,  with songs addressing police brutality, dead end jobs, economic inequality,  etc. How much of the lyrics are a collaborative effort vs. Mike having free reign to pursue what he wants?

Mike is a fantastic lyricist. He just writes what he feels and what he is dealing with, which is why so many of the lyrics on the EP and LP are pretty personal. He has some songs about his family and about the pressures associated with getting older. I wrote a couple lines here and there, but it is really just Mike. He is a very well-spoken and introspective person, so, what he comes up with lyrically and the placement are great.

You've always been big on layout and design....I know Dave has teased about multiple folds and layers of goodness, so what can we expect from "Discontent" visually speaking?

For anyone not familiar with the EP on Cointoss Records, I'll just say a quick word on that since I am very proud of that concept. The art looks like hand colored film from the 50's. It was achieved by printing the layouts black and white and layering on top of them, a transparency with only the color on it. We stripped the color from each image we used and recolored it all in photoshop. It really looks cool. There are a total of six different possible covers that we are using for different purposes.

The album art for "Discontent" was a pretty large undertaking, actually. We designed it to be a three layer jacket, so to speak. There is a 7.5" wide by 25" long wrap that goes around the entire jacket. The jacket then is diagonally cut along the center. Underneath that, there is an inner sleeve with an image. All of the artwork was designed by Hannah Medeiros and compliments each other so the entire record is going through the human head. Behind the image we are using as the cover online is the muscle behind the skin and the inner sleeve is the skull. It was a really difficult layout to measure out and finally get put together. The entire thing is then assembled by hand.

The European tour pressing is different art. We made colored vinyl with four color labels that are different than the labels for the domestic LP's. The labels are anaglyph 3D and the records each come with hand stamped red/blue 3D glasses. There is no traditional jacket to these and they are inside of a picture disc sleeve. All in all, the art for this record was a huge undertaking.

Anything else we should know about the upcoming LP or the future of Spirits?

Spirits is working hard to keep doing things we think will be fun and that we enjoy. We have a few tours coming up that we will be announcing in a few months that are going to be pretty exciting. We've gotten a lot of support thus far and really appreciate it. Thanks for interviewing me again. For anyone interested, please give the new record a listen.

Jams: http://spiritsxxx.bandcamp.com/

Commerce: http://spiritsxxx.limitedrun.com/
Pre-Order "Discontent": http://www.stateofmindrecordings.com/zencart/

Interview with Daniel from No Omega

No Omega are an awesome band from Sweden whose sound straddles the line between contemporary screamo and more straight-forward hardcore ala Hope Con or MLIW. I heard about them recently due the fact that my friends over at Protagonist Music are helping to release their new one-sided LP “Occupants”. I’m always curious to see what Protagonist has up their sleeve and was blown away when I checked out No Omega, particularly their disturbing and yet incredible video for “Comfort”.

I decided to drop them a line to learn a little bit more and had the following exchange with Daniel. Make absolutely sure you check out “Occupants” when it drops next month.

                                                        

Sweden obviously has a somewhat legendary hardcore and punk scene in certain respects....talk a little bit about your first experiences with the music, including some of the first bands you discovered, shows you went to, etc. What are some lesser known Swedish bands that people should check out that perhaps had a hand in introducing you to things?

I got into hardcore through indie rock more than metal or punk like most do. Hence, I listened mostly to stuff like At the Drive-In, Refused and The Blood Brothers, and went on from there. My first DIY hardcore-esque show was when my old band put up a show with Suis la Lune, a band that always will be very dear to me. Around then there was some great screamo in Sweden, like Amalthea and Anemone. There was also a band that has been a great influence to us artistically called Meleeh! There are SO many good bands coming out of Sweden, punk and non-punk so I could make an endless list but currently some of my favourites are: Sore Eyelids, Via Fondo, This Gift is a Curse, Scraps of Tape and Mattias Alkberg.

Give a little bit of background on how all of you guys came together as musicians. Over the course of a demo, two LP's and now a new e.p., how would you say the band has grown and changed, both sonically as well as lyrically?

Right, so I guess everyone who started the band had been in various bands together before forming No Omega, and after some people leaving the band, especially our old singer Andreas, we were forced to essentially reform the band. Oscar who used to play guitar picked up the microphone, which made a lot of sense since he's written a majority of the lyrics from day one. We brought in our best friend Joakim to play the bass, and we now are faced with a situation where we will be touring with a somewhat rotating lineup this year, with me and Oscar being the only constant members at shows.

From the beginning Oscar and Andreas wrote most of the music and lyrics, with me coming in a bit more after a few releases. On the past record, “Shame”, and on this new one we've had more of a conversation within the band about the themes and direction of what we're doing which is great.

No Omega's always had quite simple song structures, without a bunch of guitar solos or flashy playing, focusing more on mood and an overall texture to the songs I guess... With the new record we pushed it a bit, and I added a lot of more guitar than what we're used to. We always have a core of what is our band with every release, but try to widen the pallet of what we can do, as the band evolves and our influences in life changes.

I usually see the records very loosely as different style, with the first ep being more post-metal, “Metropolis” as the melodic hardcore one, “Shame” the fake-black metal one, and this new one I guess has nu screamo and post-rock as the new thing going.

Lyrically, it's always been within the same general area but about different aspects of it. A world that is wrong can either make you feel angry, sad or just hopeless, and we try to take up the various ways things are wrong and often more in a ”this makes me feel this” kinda way than ”this guy's an asshole”.

You guys have worked with a bunch of different labels; Thirty Days of Night, Get This Right, the last record on Throatruiner and now the new effort being co-released by Dog Knights and Protagonist. How have those working relationships been, and more recently, how did you hook up with Dog Knights and the homies Brendan and Bill from Protagonist?

Our relationship with Mathias and Throatruiner was great, he helped us a lot and was easy to work with, we liked his ethics and he'd released some great bands, so with him it was us contacting him.

Darren had been wanting to do something with us for a while but it didn't really work out, and now when we decided to try him after seeing him doing some great work for our friends in bands like Disembarked and Shirokuma we couldn't be more happy – his part in this record is very important and it's been great.

For Protagonist we'd just seen some good music coming out of them for a while and when we got in touch it turned out they were into our band so!

In terms of the rotating line-up, I imagine that's due to work/school commitments.....what are the logistics like in terms of pulling that off with people playing different instruments and doing different things in the context of your live performance?

Yeah pretty much. We've only taken in good friends of ours to play, and now that everyone live in Stockholm again it's quite easy to just go out and practice with them. Right now we're playing with our real bass player and two extras, which just means I have to play the old songs a lot more than I'd have wanted haha. 

We've been lucky enough to have found friends who are able to play our songs and share similar views and ethics, and don't feel like the picture of the band is being tainted or anything.

You guys have toured quite a bit over the last several years, often with some fairly big bands (Touche Amore, Birds in Row) and sometimes with those who are a little less well-known (This Routine is Hell). How do those tours compare and in general do you prefer the exposure of playing a big room or the intimacy of something a bit smaller?

We've only really done one actual ”big room” tour and that was with Touche. Some shows on that tour were cool but generally the promoters didn't really care about us and a lot of people who'd come out to see us missed our slot with the venue not having our stage time properly announced. But it's whatever. I mainly care about being out with people I like and the people doing shows for us being decent. I don't have a problem with a big stage but usually the 100-200 cap rooms are the best!

There was a reference on your Facebook a while ago about "planning a world tour"....what are the chances that we might see you guys over here in the States at some point?

Might take a little while, but the US is on the list! I didn't really enjoy my last first tour over there, so I hope to get another chance. We'll be doing most of Europe and another part of the world we haven't announced yet this year mainly!

Yeah in the States you always hear American bands that have traveled to Europe talk about how much more awesome bands get treated, the shows are generally better and there is a difference sense of hospitality. As a European who has toured the States, what did you see as the biggest differences and why do you think those differences exist? Is punk and hardcore just a lot more popular there, are there cultural differences that make Europeans appreciate touring artists to a different degree?

It's hard to tell what makes the differences exist, like I don't think Americans are shittier people than Germans... I guess it's just cultural, and the English speaking countries might've had bands going around to play for longer, or I don't know. In England it's not AS bad as in the States when it comes to hospitality at shows, but they're not far from it. My experience in the US was that there barely was a promoter each night; just a room with a small PA and a microphone and then a FB event say what five local bands were opening for us each night. Like... it didn't feel like there was anything demanded of a promoter, which to me is weird. Decent food, a decent place to sleep and a working PA with as many microphones as you actually need are basic parts of a DIY show. If you can't even deliver that you shouldn't have booked the bands from the start.

I am aware we played a lot of odd shows though, and that there is a real DIY scene in the States also, we just didn't see it too much. Loads of the shows, like the 25 minutes we played, were great though! People were really nice and interested in our band, and that was a great thing, way more than we expected!

So the music video for "Comfort" is incredibly powerful, offering a chilling look at humanity. I'm curious if you could first talk a little bit about the visual concepts you had in mind. Also, you offered a little bit of narrative online about your thoughts on how our culture is based on dominance and things of that nature, I was hoping you could expand a little bit more on that.

We were aiming at having two very different videos for the record, and one would be really raw and abrasive and capture something we can't really say without those pictures. Chariot of Black Moth helped us out and the end product was way better than I'd expected of such a concept.

Well. Essentially, what we mean is that it's quite obvious how our species as a whole isn't the missing link or the cause of all problems, making us behave like we do. It's an issue of culture that not that many critics of the human behaviour talk about. They quickly start blaming humanity itself, for things like capitalism, sexism and the destruction of our planet, when we know that people went on fine for a long time not messing with the order of things.

Alright last question. If a person only took away one thing from No Omega, be it from the live experience or from listening to your music and reading your lyrics, what impression would you hope they come away with?

That's a good question. Even though we're a generally dystopic and negative band, I wish they picked up what's said between the lines about issues we want to correct and try to make their lives more cruelty-free and have a better impact on their surroundings. I've had a few people going through rough parts of their lives coming up and talking about how our band has... maybe not helped, but been a support to deal with their issues, and that is sooo humbling. So whether our records and shows make you speak up the next time a friend uses a homophobic slur, or get you one step closer to being vegan, or just help you through a shitty day that's great.

Listen: http://noomega.bandcamp.com/album/occupants

Watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ed9CSy1srjk

Support: http://store.deathwishinc.com/product/PROTAG046v.html

Interview with Casey Nealon (Youth Funeral, Death Injection)

Last August my good friends Capacities played my town, and they shared with me that they’d soon be breaking up/going on indefinite hiatus due to their drummer relocating to California. I was incredibly bummed; first and foremost because that meant I probably would no longer be seeing them once or twice a year when they went on tour, but also because that meant my favorite current screamo band was basically done. Like youth crew, I feel like screamo is a genre that lots of bands do, but only a few do really well; it’s rare that I feel a band really nails that sound.

It was against the backdrop of losing Capacities that I came across Youth Funeral, and man, do they ever nail it. The controlled chaos, the gut-wrenching emotion, it’s all there. The New Hampshire four-piece has been around for a couple years now and has registered an e.p. and a split under their belt, as well as the recent 7” “See You When I See You” which finds the band hitting full stride.

I decided to reach out to guitarist/vocalist Casey Nealon to learn more about the band, and came to find out that in addition to Youth Funeral, Casey also fronts the early-80’s inspired hardcore/punk band Death Injection who just released an LP on Triple B Records.

He’s certainly got a lot going on, so it was great to pick his brain a little bit and get his perspective on things. Read on.

I'm always curious to hear about people's background and history in music, so start off by talking a little bit about how you fell into stuff, early shows you went to, bands that made a particular impression on you.

The first proper concert I went to was AC/DC on their "Stiff Upper Lip" tour. That was well before I even picked up a guitar, I believe. I started playing when I was 10 years old. My grandparents bought me a red Ibanez Gio and a small amplifier. I still have the amplifier and have written most of my music on it. I took lessons for one year in which I learned how to play Green Day songs and power chords, and then I quit guitar for a year. Eventually, I slowly picked it back up on my own and just experimented with the instrument when my parents weren't home. I self-taught myself the instrument for the most part.

In High School, I learned about the "underground" music scene when a kid in my American Government class told me that his band was playing that weekend. For a couple years, I went to see some truly garbage bands play around my small town in New Hampshire. After some time passed, I saw Converge play the University Of New Hampshire and that was when I was first exposed to more kinetic and emotional performance and expression in hardcore/punk/whatever. Those were the highlights of my formative years, for sure.

I guess as a Midwest kid when I think about the East Coast it seems like such a hotbed for amazing hardcore/punk/metal bands and you could just so easily become totally engrossed in the subculture....was that your experience or did you start to get involved in things more gradually?

The town in New Hampshire that I grew up in wasn't nearly as active as Boston or other New England or East Coast areas at the time. So, I wasn't initially engrossed in subculture but I definitely was fascinated by underground music and the more I participated by attending shows or forming bands, the more it took over.

How did Youth Funeral come together....had you known the other guys for a while, played in other bands previously, or was this a new endeavor for everyone to be joining forces?

Youth Funeral started with Raph and I talking about making a chaotic screamo band. He went ahead and started writing with our drummer, Mike, and asked me if I wanted to play with them. I came over to Mike's parents' house one day and we wrote the first songs for “Symptom Of Time”. Travis was at Mike's house and just ended up falling into playing with us. Both Travis and Mike have known each other for years and played in bands together before. Raph and I have been close friends since we were like 5 years old but had never really played music together except for in another band we started right before Youth Funeral called "Ellie." We wrote an EP and played one show, but then Youth Funeral took precedence.

While YF's sound definitely is heavy on the chaos, you guys also seem to give things room to breathe at times (I'm thinking songs like "Weak but Warm" or "A Dream"). How intentional are you in the writing process about mixing things up in terms of tempo and intensity?

I like to write songs that aren't the same as other songs that we've written. I am very conscious of ordering songs on record based on their vibes or tempos or key parts. Youth Funeral, to me, is a project that has the ability to flourish at any speed or intensity, so I want to exercise that ability as much as possible.

I noticed everything you guys have recorded up to this point has been with Will at Dead Air. He's obviously got just a liiiiiiittle bit of a stacked resume, haha. I'm curious if you had worked with him before, and if not, if you were at all nervous going in with him the first time or two.

Will certainly has a reputation as a musician that precedes him and all of us were fans of his music going in. Both Raph and I had recorded with Will before with our other bands, and even those first times, I don't think either of us were necessarily giddy or fan-boying. Will has a comforting aura and the recording experience with him is so smooth and streamlined– I think I'd have to try to be nervous.

The new 7" obviously came out just a few months ago on Twelve Gauge. I've always admired that label because the roster is all over the board sonically and I get the sense that Jihad only puts stuff out that he really likes, regardless of popularity or marketability. That said, how did you guys hook up with him for the new record and how has it been working with him thus far?

The Twelve Gauge roster is interesting, for sure! I believe you hit the nail on the head as far as Jihad only putting out records he likes and it shows in the variety of records he's put out over the years. There's something to be said about that. For our new record, I was told that Jihad was looking for bands to put out, and I thought the Nervous LP and No Sir LP he did recently were cool, so I e-mailed him and the rest was history.

You guys did a little run through the Midwest back in January, talk about tour. A) Touring the Midwest in JANUARY, are you nuts? (-: B) What were the highlights in terms of shows, other bands you got to see, etc.?

Ha! We were definitely nuts to do that. It's actually not the first time I've done a tour like that in the winter. My old band Host toured the same area and Canada in February one time– miserable weather. The Youth Funeral tour was no exception with how cold and unforgiving it was. I believe I was dangerously close to frostbite at times. No fun. Highlights of tour for me were Chicago and Richmond. We got to play with Swan of Tuonela and Caust in Richmond, who both ruled, and I made some cool new friends. Then in Chicago, we played with our pals in Itto and Lord Snow, who are both some of the best bands doing what we're all doing.

In addition to playing in Youth Funeral you also front Death Injection....talk a little bit about the background of that band, how did you come together?

As for Death Injection, Ryan, Bryan, Tyler, and I have been close friends for five or six years now, I believe. We met playing together with our old bands and started hanging out all the time. Now I actually live with Ryan and Tyler, but that’s neither here nor there. Ryan wanted to start a straight edge band that sounded like SSD and Negative Approach and so he just used almost all of the members of his band My Fictions (except Seamus) and myself to start it. Originally, I was supposed to play guitar with Ryan and we were going to find a vocalist. Since we couldn’t think of anyone to do vocals who was straight edge and someone we could get along with in a band, Ryan asked me if I’d like to just do vocals.

How does fronting a band on vocals (DI) differ from doing vocals and guitar (YF), both in terms of performance and with regard to the writing process?

It differs greatly. Obviously, both bands are entirely different beasts musically. In addition, my role/dynamic as a member in either band is different as well. In Death Injection, I only hold a microphone when we play so I have much more freedom to utilize whatever kinetic energy I have and, arguably, I have an obligation to do so.

This is the first and only band I have been just the “vocalist” for. When we started playing shows, I was extremely uncomfortable with performing and I tensed up a lot. My voice was also not very strong or worn-in so—even with our short sets—my voice would blow out every set without fail. Now, I’m much more comfortable with being the “vocalist” of a band. In terms of the writing process, Ryan is the primary songwriter for Death Injection. I do write all of the lyrics, though—that is entirely me.

As seemingly every other band works, he’ll bring in a completed song or ideas for a song, and we will all collaborate and work together on them. As the vocalist, I have had some small inputs and ideas for the music that add some flare to the songs. For instance, I came up with the ending to the song "With Violence" on our LP. Also, some fun trivia, I play the whacky guitar solo at the end of "Broken Chain."

As for Youth Funeral, I write a majority of the music and lyrics for the band with Raph doing the rest. With Youth Funeral, I am channeling a different type of emotion and energy which significantly influences how I perform. The songs tend to be about very personal, often emotional topics. Whereas with Death Injection, while they may still be personal songs, they are mostly confrontational and angry instead of introspective and sad.

I also have been taking more of an outward stance on certain topics with Death Injection than I usually do with music. Most obviously, we are a blatantly straight edge band. In two of our songs ("Be Afraid" and "Worthless") I touch on current issues which, until then, was completely foreign to me with music. In the song "Be Afraid" I wrote words directed at someone who sexually harassed a woman I’m friends with. In the song “Worthless” I wrote words directed at a housemate I had in my college dorm who would joke about rape.

Stylistically the bands are I guess pigeon-holed a little differently for better or for worse; Twelve Gauge seems to fly under the radar a little more whereas Triple B seems to have a little bit more of a hype factor going on; do you find yourself playing to separate crowds with different vibes or is there a decent amount of crossover from one project to another?

Yeah! I think Twelve Gauge doesn’t really have a weight to the name that affects how a band releasing music with them is perceived, so Youth Funeral remained largely unaffected in that manner. For Death Injection, we chose Triple B because they are a label that—as far as hardcore labels go—I don’t think pigeonholes a band too far beyond simply being a “hardcore” band.

For instance, not that this was an option, Deathwish Inc. has a kind of “Deathwish” identity that people automatically assume a band working with them possesses; same thing with Topshelf Records or Run For Cover. With Triple B, we knew that working with Sam would help our music reach other relevant people and that it would provide us with opportunities we couldn’t access on our own at this time all while without causing people to write us off as being a “Triple B” band, since that doesn’t really exist yet.

With all of that being said I will say, I find Death Injection playing to a variety of audiences; I just don’t think it is because of the label(s) we choose to work with. Our music teeters between a punk band and a hardcore band, so we’ll be put on shows where we play to people in varsity jackets or ones to people in spiky jackets. Sometimes we stick out and people don’t react to us, sometimes it's the opposite. Fortunately for us, we receive positive comments from people fairly frequently after we play, even at the shows where everyone stands there looking at us like we’re aliens. We get to play often and people have been responding well to us overall, so I can’t complain.

I haven't read the lyrics to the new Death Injection LP, but just from looking at the name of the record and the song titles there definitely seems to be more than a fair share of vitriol going on. I guess I have one specific question and one broader question on that. For you, what would you say motivates you lyrically?

I’m trying to expand on what motivates me lyrically in general, but for most things in the past, I pull from personal experiences. I know, it’s a broad answer that tells next to nothing, but it’s unfortunately my only answer. I think with the new Youth Funeral 7” and the Death Injection LP, I started to hone in on writing directed at specific people. The Youth Funeral song “I Remember” is about a specific person and a specific day and the Death Injection song “Get Away From Me” is also about a specific person. However, those aren’t the only songs of those types I have written that are released.

More broadly speaking, as someone who has been around a bit, I guess I feel like there has been a shift from when I first got into things from a place where most hardcore and punk bands addressed a lot of social and political topics, and did so with an emphasis on empowerment and change to a place where these days so much seems to focus on being the most depressed, the most angry, the most cvlt or whatever. Not to say that there aren't politically vocal bands today or that there haven't always been bands with a darker tilt lyrically, it just seems like there has been a movement from one direction to the other. I'm curious if you notice this, and if so, what you think is driving it.

I’d say this is an accurate observation and I think this is an important question and dialogue for people to consider. I’ve been confronting it recently myself with my own creative endeavors as to whether or not I am abusing my opportunity to talk about more “important” subjects. Any discussion of art in this manner cannot be finished, of course.

My amateur analysis as to why the movement towards “darker” more “emotional” hardcore and punk bands happened is that somewhere down the line a confessional expression simply became popular. For the sake of conversation let’s say it started with American Nightmare. Obviously, they weren’t the first artists to explore these topics, but they became a very influential group in the hardcore community and I definitely see plenty of bands taking cues from them still today. I think people latched on to bands like American Nightmare because it was different than politically charged bands of before. Therefore, people try to emulate these expressions in ways that are either genuine or a mere attempt to manufacture something that people will like.

Speaking of Deathwish, you work/worked? there. I'm definitely a fan of a lot of what that label puts out, and it seems like they've become sort of the epicenter of a lot of our scene, especially as they're not only putting out their own material but increasingly becoming  the exclusive distributor for a lot of other awesome labels.  I was wondering if you could give us an insider's perspective on the label...I guess I imagine it must be a place that's sort of bubbling with creative energy, but at the same time I wonder if after a while it just feels like any other job; sort of routine and mundane.

I worked for Deathwish Inc. for three years until I decided to leave a couple weeks ago. I started as a mail-order person, then I was the customer service correspondent, and l ended as the first, sole music buyer. It’s funny that you’d mention their expansion into becoming a greater force in terms of distribution since that was a very relevant concern of mine during my last year there.

Basically, my position when I left was the person who purchased almost all of the distributed titles Deathwish Inc. carried (that weren’t exclusive distributors). I watched trends and tried my hardest to make sure we got all of the cool records that people were talking about. For instance, I started bringing in a lot of the Iron Lung Records titles and such. I also simply watched the inventory for things we already had from Matador, Run For Cover, Southern Lord, etc.

Everyone at Deathwish Inc. is involved with underground music outside of working at the record label in some way. People who work there are in bands, photographing bands, booking bands, attending shows, or even releasing records on their own for bands. There is certainly a common thread amongst all of the employees and therefore an element of synergy is present. However, as any job goes, it does eventually become routine and mundane.

Deathwish Inc. is definitely growing constantly and now as an outsider again, I’m interested in seeing where they find themselves in the future.

What's up next for both bands? More touring, more writing, or a little of both?

Death Injection will be touring more in the summer. We’ve talked about flying out to do a west coast tour, so that’s a possibility. We might write another EP for a 7” or something. 

Youth Funeral probably won’t be as active as my other project(s), but we’ll see. I have a lot of new music written, probably enough to squeeze out an LP, but I’m still on the fence about if I like any of it.

Best thing about being an artist operating within hardcore/punk in 2015? Biggest bummer about being an artist operating within hardcore/punk in 2015?

I guess the best thing would be how much support people in the community seem to have for the progression of ideas and also the openness for conversation about those ideas. 

Unfortunately, there are some unproductive methods people employ to express certain views they hold that might do more harm than good. I typically remain neutral in most debates so I’m afraid I don’t have much right to criticize. 

If I were to pick a *personal* favorite thing, it wouldn’t be one that is necessarily a sign of the times: I most enjoy the relationships I have made with some talented and beautiful people thanks to my involvement in this particular music scene. Punk might be dead and I might not really care, but it has been nice to me so I will be nice to it.

Photo credits go to Thom Carney, Sarah Vitale, Angela Owens, and Reid Haithcock. Thank you for documenting our scene.

Youth Funeral: http://youthfuneral.bandcamp.com/

Death Injection: http://bbbrecords.bandcamp.com/album/hate-for-myself-everyone-else